Subster

Life comes at us from out of the darkness and at times we can struggle to find the courage to face it.

When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with?

Will it be someone you trust..

Will they be wise..

And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light..
Or will they lose their way in the darkness..

Will they make noble choices..

Or will that person be someone untested.. Someone new..

Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, when it does is there someone in your life you can count on…
Someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall..

And in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears alone

OK the title doesn’t really make any sense I know. But that’s pretty much what this entry is about, meaningless blabbering  due to the fact I don’t who to talk to or who I can in fact talk to about this cause firstly I don’t even know if i can really bring myself to talk to someone about it. So unless you’re really bored and have nothing else to do with your life and time you better not carry on reading this…

Alright lets see, it’s Halloween that’s one… Second well being Halloween, people dress up… Some people actually have good costumes, others well just end up looking like plain idiots.. I don’t mean to be mean, but I speak the truth.. I just took a look at a picture of someone I once knew and I was just stunned and I still am actually because I never knew a person could actually become that stupid and look that stupid.. And to think I once knew the person, that makes it even more worse.. I mean come on! who has a costume of a "devil" which ends up making you look like superman… And take my word for it when I say that isn’t a compliment, cause the part that makes the person look like superman is the fact that superman wears his underwear on the outside…. And to make matters worse, his underwear isn’t outside, it’s just plain underwear! nothing else… And the person is even bold and gay enough to post a picture like that on friendster…

Seriously the world is full of sick and twisted people… And if you realize that you are one of them, get help… Cause you’re making people wish they were dead…..

I know a certain someone is making me wish I was dead…….

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction.

Will you fight to stay on the path?
Will others tell you who you are?
Or will you label yourself
Will you be haunted by your choice?
or will you embrace your new path?

Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment, who will you be?
Will you let down your defenses and find solace in someone unexpected
Will you reach out
Will you face your greatest fears bravely
and move forward with faith
or will you cir-cum to the darkness in your soul

Alright for once I’m going to actually write about something that’s related to the title… Well I didn’t write it of course, William Ernest Henley did and it’s indeed amazing… If you read one of my earlier entries you would have heard me mention his name and use a clipping from one of his most famous and for that matter best (in my opinion) poem which is of course ‘Invictus’… Here it is

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed,

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Come on, I’m sure you’re inspired in someway after reading that because those aren’t just words that yet another poet mixed together when he got bored… That’s actually an autobiographical poem as Henley had a very turbulent life. He was raised in poverty along with his 5 other siblings, one of his legs was amputated when he was only 16 and he lost his only child to cerebral meningitis(an infection which causes inflammation in the meninges, the lining that protects the brain and spinal cord)… And for that matter this poem was in fact written when he was on a hospital bed..

I’m sure not many people know what ‘Invictus’ even means so I’m gonna shine the light on that… Invictus is a Latin for unconquerable or undefeated… Sorta like Latin for invincible I guess…

William Ernest Henley had a lot of guts and that’s just something that HAS to be said… He may not have lived a long life or an easy one, but he sure as hell proved to the world just how strong he really was…

I salute you William Henley!

You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you.

How many moments of other peoples lives that we’ve been in.

Were we apart of someones life when their dream came true..
Or were we there when their dreams died.

Did we keep trying to get in as if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise.

Just think, you could be a big part of someone else’s life and not even know it…

From the title of this post I’m sure you know I’m disturbed… And I emphasize on the word disturbed because it’s a combination of many feelings… There are loads of thoughts running through my mind right now and a millions more feelings churning within me… I wont bother giving you any details because lets face it, you really couldn’t give a flying fuck! And THAT! is a fact….

Let me share with you the lyrics of what is my favorite song by Dream Theater, it’s called ‘I walk beside you’

There’s a story in your eyes
I can see the hurt behind your smile
For every sign I recognize
Another one escapes me

Let me know what plagues your mind
Let me be the one to know you best
Be the one to hold you up
When you feel like you’re sinking

Tell me once again
What’s beneath the pain you’re feeling
Don’t abandon me
Or think you can’t be saved

I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you

Summon up your ghosts for me
Rest your tired thoughts upon my hands
Step inside this sacred place
When all your dreams seem broken

Resonate inside this temple
Let me be the one who understands
Be the one to carry you
When you can walk no further

Tell me once again
What’s below the surface bleeding
If you’ve lost your way,
I will take you there

I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you

Ooo, where everything is wrong
Ooo, where hopelessness surrounds you
Ooo, the sun will rise again
The tide you swim against
Will carry you back home
So don’t give up
Don’t give in

I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you

So that’s what’s keeping me going right now really… In this world, that person doesn’t exist… But just listening to it helps me… For now at least… For now I sign out… Cause there really isn’t anything else to do in this life…. There isn’t anything even worth living for anymore.. Or anyone

There are moments in life where we find ourselves at crossroads, afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.

Of course when faced with the unknown most of us prefer to turn around and go back…….

But once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going at it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in.

Or to give someone a second chance

Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

Cause it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are.

And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be.

The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith & belief.

And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead..

I’ve found a new way to let out how I feel, by letting it all out here… Very recently I discovered that some of my original patterns we’re probably things I should have never broken out of… For example swimming, it’s the one healthy thing that used to relieve stress and help me keep a clear mind… Another would have been being a loner in the mind, yea I have friends and all but my mistake was actually allowing people to get into my mind.. It was much better when I had friends but kept that at arms length that way there’s never a need to please them as they aren’t expecting you to do so or worry that you may let them down…

I’m sure many people out there feel that running away is a bad thing cause it apparently proves that you’re a coward… But in my opinion it doesn’t make you a coward, you’re more of just taking a step back and sort of like giving way or giving in to the problem to maintain peace… I think that doing that is so much better than actually fighting for something especially if you don’t have faith in it, aren’t sure what exactly you’re fighting for or pretty much fighting a losing battle cause i mean really what’s the point in fighting for something if the above is a reality, cause then it just makes you a hypocrite… And yea EVERYONE is a hypocrite in his/her own way but why add to that…

Expectations…. Something that the world is much better without because everyone is always expecting something from someone else and whenever you don’t live up to expectations people always get disappointed… Why expect things from people, I mean camon it’s better to accept people for who they are and well the best thing to do instead of expect of them it’ll be better to hope for something in them… Think about it..

I’m gonna now share with whoever is reading this the lyrics of a song that I’m really starting to like a lot… This is how it goes
Can you take away every single day?
That we have given to another false prophet
Can you give us all a reason not to fall?
Before you take away another broken promise

Show your pretty face
hide the bitter taste
You’re still the rapist of an entire nation
You wanna be the man you gotta be a man
but you were nothing but a sad insinuation
How can we ever live this down?
How can we ever live this down?

Keep your fingers crossed
the truth is at a lost
Big decision for an ordinary coward
the only problem is your fucking rhetoric
We’re more in danger than before you took power

Now it’s just a game
God you’ll never change
You’d sell us out if you could only find a buyer
You don’t give a shit
As long as idiots
Are in your corner you could set us all on fire
How can we ever live this down?
How can we ever live this down?

You never wanted to be
they only wanted a parody
you want the world to be free
but what the hell is free about it ?!

Now we reached the end
just get it over with
but this is building to an adamant conclusion
come what ever may
there’s gonna be a day
When we have figured out a possible solution

Everything you’ve done
Is killing everyone
A little smile on a homicidal bastard
you wanna be a man
you gotta have a plan
another failure is a guaranteed disaster
How can we ever live this down?
How can we ever live this down?

You never wanted to be
they only wanted a parody
you want the world to be free
she only wanted the world
you never wanted me
they only wanted a parody
you want the world to be free
But what the fuck is free about it?!
what the fuck is free about it?!
what the fuck is free about it?!

Darleena

Well I’m not someone that blogs but I just thought I would give it a try… It’s been a rather hard day not physically but more of emotionally and mentally… I won’t get into details because I feel it’s rather useless to get into such things in a blog of all things… But well a few hours ago I had a rather deep conversations with one of my close friends and I’ve made a decision, one which may very well be the hardest decisions I’ve ever made really… I’ve decided that I need a break from my usual self and everything that comes with it… I’m gonna try to do things in a different matter, treat people in a different manner and pretty much just do something different… And to do so I’m going to have to start with myself, I’m going to be spending quality time with just myself and examine just who I really am while isolating myself from everyone… You may not understand why I’m doing this or maybe you just couldn’t be bothered about it or it may simply not effect you at all… But well this is something I NEED to do… This blog is really just like a ‘post-it’ to a certain someone who may be wondering what’s going on with me and if I’m alright and I surely hope that person is reading this… This goes beyond what I’ve said so far but this person knows me better than that and surely knows there’s more to it but well I can’t really explain or justify myself right now and I’m gonna need you to just accept that for the time being… Jeanette Winterson once wrote "We are friends and I do like to pass the day with you in serious inconsequential chatter, I wouldn’t mind washing up beside you, dusting beside you, reading the back half of the paper while you read the front. We are friends and I would miss you, do miss you and think of you very often"…
And another quote that I really like is this one, I have no idea who wrote it though but it’s good, it goes "Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" and I think that really does make sense cause you may think you put up walls to protect yourself by isolating yourself but really you’re just crying out for help with the hopes that someone that cares enough will come and rescue you…

Sometimes it’s easier to feel like you’re the only one in the world that’s struggling, who’s frustrated or unsatisfied that you’re barely getting by….. But that feeling’s a lie, and if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day someone or something will find you and make it all ok because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won’t always be this way… That someone is out there and that someone will find you….

I got that from one of my most liked tv shows and I really think that’s a fact right there… I just hope that ‘that someone’ will find me too and help me through what I’m going through right now

Darleena